Coming home

It’s an odd place to stand, between white and non-white worlds. I would never say I have stood in a black person’s shoes, or those of any other racialized minority. I don’t believe a white person can have that experience. But in 2006, I came back to my hometown of Peterborough and found myself doing exactly that, living between worlds, holding a certain in-between space for my biracial daughter, who was now far from her Haitian family in Quebec.

I’m not like my white relatives who have been here their whole lives, and yet I belong here too. My life experience has changed me forever, that is certain, and at times I feel very much like an outsider here. I have lived in big cities, and I know how much racism is there. People who want to judge my community don’t get far with me. When they use the words ‘racist rednecks’, I feel my eyes narrow, readying to defend “my people”, and yet most of “my” people find me a little disconcerting.

Methuselah Tree, USA

I feel like whiteness is this big tree, and I come from one branch, this rural British farming limb, but I’ve fallen off my limb and bounced through so many layers during my fall, knocking my head off dozens of other limbs of other trees as I fell, until finally I’ve landed at the foot of this white tree. I walk around under it, inspecting its bark, looking at the branch I fell from, and remarking how strong the tree is. Its leaves still protect me; an umbrella of white privilege shelters me, regardless of the branch I fell from. It is always trying to stay ahead of the other trees, spreading out towards the sun and rain to capture as much as possible, and its enormous size helps it maintain its established place in the forest.


But I can see that big tree. No one can tell me it doesn’t exist, even if others only see a few branches around them. And no one can tell me my branch is not distinct either, because my fall has painfully reminded me of my differences.

Photo of tree from http://www.imgbase.info/images/safe-wallpapers/anime/

anime_scenery/20021_anime_scenery.jpg

I’m feeling centred in my own ethnicity for the first time in decades. It’s a good place to be. I have embraced my own origins and that makes me more secure. Being in a community surrounded by First Nations communities, I am learning a lot now from indigenous-descent peoples about decolonization, about being a settler on Turtle Island. This is sure to help me think about how my powerful white tree can share this land more equitably with the other trees.

The woods in autumn. Photo from
http://www.jogjis.com/wallpaper/1024x819/
summer-end-forest-trees-11337.html

Now I want to shake my white tree and see if others are ready for a change of perspective!